Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
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