I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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