i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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