I just pynch a tree in the face
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
