don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
