literally had 100 drinks last night.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
