dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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