I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I need to sanitize my soul.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
