OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I think I won the penis lottery.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
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