all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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