walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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