At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
