It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
