i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
