The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
