i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Randomize
