I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
he fucked my hip out of place.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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