He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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