Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
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