i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
It was like giving head to a cactus.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
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