this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
