If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
