I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Randomize
