Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
