I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
