I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
