Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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