4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
