brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
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