i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
