i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
