I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Randomize
