I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
