you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
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