you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
