i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Randomize
