when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
