I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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