The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
