i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
