I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
