Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
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