Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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