You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
