She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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