i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
