The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
