I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
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