At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize