She is in my trunk
Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
