sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
