If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Randomize
