I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
