btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
