Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
